In the Shadow of My Father
in the shadow of my father revised
masculinity is complex
its nature is one that we want to amend
is it strength and gains driven by sex?
is it primal instinct to destroy we cannot understand?
is it proximity to masculinity, distance to femininity?
in one night, I learned I wanted to break free from the cycle
narrow backseat of a police car, almost to give me a glimpse of my future
questions I did not truly understand
a smell I’d never forget
the vivid memory of the stillness of the moment
hands around the neck, hands that were served to protect
hands that would burn, light, and ignite the fire of division
the controller was my solace
the controller was where I found peace
its intentions never meant to harm
unconditional love, handcuffed by the charm
the end of childhood lied in the door of a police cruiser
the blueness of life would be overcast by the dark shadows of abuse
my youthful and innocent existence didn’t understand
the cruiser would be the bridge into newness
a peek into my future
a picture of the vices of my maker
“what happens in this house stays”
a condemn of challenge
afraid of consequence
refusal to admit ones flaws, the deadliest vice
gripped by the shadow of masculinity
gripped by the strong hands of the controller
opposite to normality that was plugged into the PlayStation
hit and scorned by the one who I found solace in
the blueness of my being was overcast by the vice of the controller
my new environment was novel and strange
blowup mattress with a hole that was too wide
my youthfulness was punctured and deflated by dawn
by the grips of the shadow of my father
what had chained and captured me, I had become
the controller, the abuser
always the victor, never the loser
intentions never to harm or abuse her
ones to admire, adding fuel to the fire
“what happens between us stays”
afraid of outside influence
refusal to admit my vices
gripped by the cycle of what I despised
controlled by the web of lies
the engravment of the shortcomings of man
forever pressed into the psyche
despite my desire to ascend higher and forgo my makers vices
I will be forever in the shadow of my father
copyright © micah hill 2024
